Fire Emblem: Fortune's Weave's 5 Weirdest Little Guys, Ranked

Fire Emblem Fortune's Weave's roster of recruitable characters is, as a rule, more grounded than what we’ve seen in most recent Fire Emblem games, but there's still a bunch of goofballs in the mix. Granted, they tend to have really tragic backstories that explain their odd behavior. But until you find out what those are — and sometimes even after you do — they come across as pretty bizarre. So much so that we decided to rank the five best weird little guys in Fortune's Weave.

5 Jester

Image: Intelligent Systems/Nintendo via Polygon

There's some kind of secret sadness behind Jester's bloodthirsty facade. In his battle dialogue, he sounds genuinely full of regret about hurting people, and he laughingly says that what he's doing makes his skin crawl. Nobody who crows as much as he does about loving it when people hate them is ever telling the truth, either. But since I haven't figured out what his dark past is yet, he goes in the weirdo group. He acts the way you'd expect Dietrich to behave — cruel and slightly maniacal — with an added touch of vanity that makes him more of a fop than a clown.

4 Ninae

Image: Intelligent Systems/Nintendo via Polygon

Ninae likes sad people, and she talks to spirits only she can see. Presumably, they're actually there, but who knows! Maybe she just likes talking to herself. She's sleepy all the time. She wanders around at night and always dresses like a stylish goth. Like a good goth, she's also low-key obsessed with the goddess of death, to the point where she almost kills Simon in their C-rank support over a perceived slight against Yu Phas. There's a good (actually quite moving) reason for her outfit and fixation with death. Even so, Ninae's kinda out there.

3 Halvin

Image: Intelligent Systems/Nintendo via Polygon

Halvin the scared clown seems a lot like Bernadetta initially. She uses a bow. Something's happened in her past that makes even her shadow seem terrifying, and she shrieks a lot. She's a great character in general, and from the support conversations I've seen so far, I suspect there's a lot of trauma that makes her scared. That's more sad than weird, really.

But! Her battle dialogue is what elevates her above some of the other weirdos. Halvin screams when you heal her and begs you to save her. Yes, Halvin! That is what's happening here! And when she defeats an enemy or makes a move on the map, she'll sometimes say "I had no choice." Girl, you just put an arrow through someone's head from a mile away. No one made you go that far.

2 Fabio

Image: Intelligent Systems/Nintendo via Polygon

I wobbled between considering Fabio weird and just horrible. (Comparing people different from you to animals isn't nice, buddy!). But then I looked at his bio again and decided on weird. His favorite things include "suffering" and "half-forgotten feelings," like he's some kind of emo kid from the '00s. He also enjoys "dissecting beautiful things." Okay, that last one is more like the creepy kid at school who ends up on a most wanted list someday. On the other hand, what is Fabio's journey but a dissection of Dietrich, a beautiful thing? He's the only one who sees and understands what's going on behind Dietrich's mask.

Speaking of Fabio's journey: Why, Fabio, are you complaining about the sun and yet still wearing all black? I assume the people of Dagda know so little about the Church of Seiros that they might believe all Fodlan priests wear such attire, so he can get away with it. But seriously, for a guy with such a strong scientific background, he really dropped the ball here.

1 Majide

Image: Intelligent Systems/Nintendo via Polygon

Majide wins the weird little guy contest by a margin as big as the gulf between his self-view and his actual abilities. Intelligent Systems built his ineptitude into every aspect of his character, and I can't describe just how deeply I admire and respect that. Fire Emblem always has a blustery bandit, usually as a villain, but Majide manages to outdo them all with his delusions of grandeur. The world would be great if he was in charge. He should be the winner of the Heroic Games and probably a god. It's not his fault a bunch of women kicked his ass to the curb.

Except it kind of is! Majide's stats and growth rates are so bad. His personal ability reduces his dodge rate and bumps up his attack power, which would be cool on anyone but Majide. Hit so hard it doesn't matter if you can't dodge, 'cause the target's dead. Except Majide almost never hits, at least in my experience. The two different versions of him I've leveled up have the most abysmal dexterity and hit rates, and his speed is so low, he might as well be going backwards. What the Order of Mithras saw in him that warranted giving him one of Drake's Treasures is beyond me.